


wasted like all my potential

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28798887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It’s always 'we' and always has been with George. He doesn’t disentangle himself from Alex, not even at his lowest points.Alex loves him. He’s not sure if he wants to be his friend, kiss him, or marry him. Most days, he thinks it might be all three. If he marries George, then he always has him. Just he and George against the world like always. It’s all he wants.
Relationships: George Andrew/Alex Elmslie
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38
Collections: Anonymous





	wasted like all my potential

**Author's Note:**

> hi i projected all my coping feelings on the thing that happened yesterday and i kinda liked how it turned out lol 
> 
> title from this is me trying by taylor swift 
> 
> take care of yourselves please and reach out if you need help you are never alone :)

Alex hates moving. He hates uprooting his entire life to have to settle down again. His life is already in shambles as is; he doesn’t need the added stress of compacting his life into boxes. 

He thinks moving always makes him too introspective. He thinks about how things have changed from when he started on YouTube a measly five years ago and yet that feels like a different Alex. He was 17 scraping together funds on Twitch to feed himself and now there’s 16-year-olds with a lifetime’s income after one year. 

It feels like he’s washed-up, out-of-touch. He films like he’s supposed to. He stays on top of trends like he’s supposed to, scrolling through TikTok for hours. He interacts with his fans, designs merch, and films podcasts. For all intents and purposes, he should be happy. 

Why isn’t he? He should be on top of the world. He’s in London, the center of the content creation for Europe. He lives with his best friend and has all the stupid shit he could’ve dreamed of when he was back in college. He doesn’t have to worry about where his next meal’s coming from or if rent will be paid on time. He just has to get out of bed and face the day. 

He can’t even do that anymore. It’s easier to stay burrowed under the covers, phone light the only speck of brightness in the room. He keeps the curtains drawn and everyone else out. It’s better this way. He can’t hurt anyone if he stays in bed. 

\--

George tries. Of course, George tries. He’s Alex’s saving grace. time and time again. It’s like he can breathe when he’s around George. He doesn’t understand why George keeps doing it. It’s always George who says, “Well, Al, where are we going next?” after news of their eviction. 

It’s always _we_ and always has been with George. He doesn’t disentangle himself from Alex, not even at his lowest points. 

Alex loves him. He’s not sure if he wants to be his friend, kiss him, or marry him. Most days, he thinks it might be all three. If he marries George, then he always has him. Just he and George against the world like always. It’s all he wants. 

He thinks George might hate him if he tells him he wants to quit, to go back to school. George was the one that helped him build his brand to what it was today. George pulled him from glorified camboy to successful YouTuber and if Alex chooses to throw that away, then what? Will he still want him then? 

Alex doesn’t think so. They’re intertwined only because of YouTube. If Alex unravels that aspect of his life, he thinks he will unravel George, too. The thought alone is enough to make bile rise in his throat. 

It probably doesn’t help that he hasn’t eaten. He had opened the Deliveroo app a couple times, but nothing ever stood out. George had offered earlier to get him something from McDonald’s and Alex knows that despite his refusal there will be a wrapped sandwich in the fridge later. George always gets him something. He’s too good for him. 

He shouldn’t open his alt Twitter account, not when he’s like this. His back hurts from lifting, his personal effects are scattered messily, and he doesn’t even have his favorite hoodie unpacked. 

(His favorite hoodie is one that George said he wouldn’t wear anymore with frayed sleeves and the drawstring missing. It smells like George even now.)

He does anyway, journaling all his thoughts. He knows people can see them, knows they’re going to worry. He wants to care, but he’s so wound up about how he feels, he can’t stop. 

He sees the likes pour in and the concerned comments pile up. He doesn’t want to read any of them. They make him feel worse. He hates the fact that no matter what he does, he’s perceived by masses of people. He just wants to be Alex Elmslie, boy from the seaside. Not ImAllexx, popular YouTuber. He misses home. 

Well, he wishes he could take George home with him. He wants the coast more than he can breathe, but it’s not the same without waking up and knowing George is just a room over. He doesn’t know what that means and he doesn’t want to unpack it. He already has literal baggage to unpack. He doesn’t need the mental baggage, too. 

-

When he types “Adios”, it hits with a sick finality that he suddenly wants to take back. The word seizes his chest and he’s stuck in a loop of “did I make a mistake?”. It’s a vicious cycle and he debates deleting all the tweets and pretending they never existed when a text from James comes in. 

He’s worried. People on the stream have been asking about him. _Shit._ If James knows, that means George knows. If George knows, he’s not going to let Alex stay in the dark by himself for a minute longer. 

As if on cue, a knock resounds on Alex’s door. George never waits for an answer. He just pushes in, eyes adjusting to the darkness. 

“Alex? Mate, you’re worrying people,” George says gently. He’s always so gentle with him. Alex could cry. 

He doesn’t reply, but he shifts over on the bed so George can sit. George’s weight sinking onto the bed eases the weight in Alex’s chest. He’s not alone. 

“Sorry,” Alex’s words are muffled by his duvet. He’s not willing to look George in the face, although he doubts he’d really be able to see him. 

George sighs and turns on his bedside lamp. The yellow light floods the room and Alex blinks against the onslaught like a frightened animal. 

“Overthinking again, Al?” George asks, leaning against the headboard. It’s a simple question, but Alex is afraid to answer it. 

“Gonna actually look at me or do I get to talk to a lump instead?” George’s tone is lighter as he prods Alex’s side. Alex jumps and makes an indignant noise. 

“Wanna be a lump,” Alex mumbles, but he sits up against his pillows. He pushes his hair out of his face and finally looks at George. 

George’s teasing tone belies his expression, concern evident in his eyes. George’s eyes have always been so expressive and sometimes Alex thinks he hides them for that reason. People can’t read him if he never lets anyone see. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex apologizes again, letting his gaze fall back down to where he’s fidgeting with his rings. 

“Nothing to apologize for, love,” George whispers the pet name like it’s a secret. Maybe it is. It warms Alex inside out regardless. 

“Can I have a hug?” Alex asks. George isn’t one for touch like Will or Lewis, but on rare occasions, Alex can envelope himself in George. 

George leans across the bed, arms wrapping around Alex’s torso. He’s warm like he always is, practically a furnace. Alex buries his face in George’s shoulder, t-shirt pressed against his cheek. 

They stay like this for a while and George doesn’t try to say anything or move. He just lets Alex be and Alex thinks that maybe that’s all he really needed. 

“Want your burger now?” George asks after some time has passed and Alex loosens his hold. 

“Yeah, I think I do.”

\--

George tears up a napkin and keeps pelting him with balled-up bits as Alex complains that he’s distracting. George just grins and Alex thinks he might kill him. Alex smiles back when he successfully lobs his straw wrapper at George’s chest. 

The duality of their relationship - from embracing in the dark to leftover takeaway napkin fights. 

They watch TV - Clone Wars because Fraser’s been begging Alex to catch up and George let him pick - and Alex leans on George’s shoulder. 

_Maybe this can be home._

Later that night, George follows Alex back into his room. He tells him to move over when Alex climbs back into bed, saying he’s sleeping over tonight. 

Alex points out the absurdity of a sleepover when George has a bedroom here, and George ignores him. 

If Alex feels George’s arm sling across his waist when George thinks he’s fallen asleep, he doesn’t say anything. 

\-- 

Early morning comes and Alex tweets again. 

“Yesterday was a bad day.” 

_But today will be better_ , is the implied ending as he turns to face a sleeping George. 

He’s trying and that’s all that can be asked of him. 

He hopes it’s going to be enough. 


End file.
